I'm writing this while you're sleeping. Or, at least, I hope you're sleeping.
I know you probably hate me right now. Don't deny it. I know you do. I know you hate it when I'm stubborn, really do. I know that, sometimes, I might seem that I don't care. I know I asked you not to care when I'm mad. I did that in order to not get hurt every time. It's not pleasant for me either but it comforts me that you have to deal with less pain. I hate it when I damage you.
I know you miss me. I miss you too. More than you can possibly imagine. I miss like hell your smile, your laughter, your skin, your smell, your kisses. I miss knowing that you're close no matter in which part of the city you are.
I miss your presence. I really do, and thinking about that makes my heart sour. I caught myself thinking of you in moments in which I should had been attentive to something important.
I know you probably want to shout at me: What the fuck is wrong with you, woman?!
My mind is ill. Not in a kinky way, no. My mind is ill because I'd prefer sometimes to hid my desires and thoughts.And I do it, because I can't help it all the times. I usually talked much for short periods of time and afterwards I would keep a minimal contact for days or weeks or even months. I know it seems weird for you. In a way, it is.
I really try not to push your buttons. Trust me, I am.
I hate sometimes your trust in me. Actually, I hate when people trust me too much because I panic that the bar is high and I'm going to miss. I don't even trust myself so why would others trust me? Why would you trust me? And I hate betraying trust. It makes me feel even more unworthy than I am. I deserve nothing. I feel guilty for what I have. I feel weak and dumb and slow. I feel like a thief, a burglar of somebody's faith.
I'll tell you a secret that I'd told you before. When I was 9, I wanted to become a nun. Not for the sake of god or eternal life. I wanted to be isolated and never fall in love. I wanted to become smart and wise. I wanted to be alone, because i never fit anywhere. When I started for the first time to paint, no body would talk to me, because beside the fact that I was the youngest, I didn't spoke their language. When I was taking dance lessons nobody wanted to be my partner because I was weird. I liked being weird. It made me think that I might be special.
But I was the lonely one. I was the kid who stood in class and read because I felt that my place isn't there. I never found my place. Hell, whenever I though I found my best friend something external would happen and I would be alone again.
I know I'm not pretty. I never thought I was. It's hard to forget that when you have a mirror.
I think that my whole point here is that I'm truely grateful and completely undeserving of you.
But sometimes you forget to get into my shoes. I think sometimes you forget that we don't live in an utopical world and we don't share the same activities all the time and that we're different. Sometimes you forget to step out of the scene to take another role. You forget that you have to share. Or, you don't want to accept it all the times and you make me feel even more miserable. On the other hand, you never actually forgive, because if one forgives he forgets what was all about. You don't.
You constantly remind me of all my mistakes. And that's kinda like you break a bone after the other one was just healed. I try not to do that, but you don't seem to see. Sometimes I have the urge to shout horrible things at you, things that would hurt you, but I can't, because I can't actually remember what those horrible or, not horrible but unpleasent things would be. And I don't do that because I know it would be cruel to do something like that, and I know that I'd regret it.
I'm not looking to blame you. I'm not searching excuses or to make you feel guilty. I'm just stating the things from my perspective so that I can clear my head. I'm not a drama queen. And if I am, I'm not in physical form.
I just hope that someday you wouldn't have nothing to accuse me.
But, until then, good night, my love!
Sleep tight and don't let the bad bugs bite!